The secret to what makes Americans tick should be obvious.

The other day I had a comment posted on this blog that was less than kind toward Americans. And while I really didn’t have a problem with that, it also contained a typical fallacy about my fellow countrymen. I corrected that error in my reply. And this post need not further address that specific issue. American bashing, however, does need to be addressed. It’s a guilty pleasure the world enjoys far too much. Generally, no problemo. When you are #1 that just goes with the territory. It doesn’t help when you treat much of the rest of the world like a place to take a #2 either of course. But our habit of using the world as our dumping ground aside, we catch a lot of unfair flak You love to hate us but you can’t stop talking about us either. And it is not our fault.

Suffice it to say, Americans are misunderstood. The world looks at us and scratches its collective head. We don’t make a lot of sense beyond our borders. Sure you get the abusively loud and obnoxious part, but our underlying motives are beyond your grasp. It’s not all that different from women who try as they might just don’t get men. They can’t understand us because they fail to comprehend what makes men tick. Which is surprising. ‘Cuz we’re fairly transparent in that regard. To men everything – and I do mean everything – has to do with our dicks. It really is that simple.

Ditto for the rest of the world trying to understand Americans. Y’all put way too much though into it. We don’t. ‘Cuz once again, whatever the issue, whatever the topic, it boils down to dick. Ours. Dick is what drives our nation. Dick is what fuels our foreign policies. And we’ve told you so. Years ago. Teddy Rooseveltt advised “Speak softly and carry a big stick”. Everyone is familiar with that quote. So what in the hell did you people think he was talking about?

Scratch any American and what you’ll find is dick.

You may be one of many who think Americans are dicks. Well, we are. You are what you eat and even more importantly you are what you live and breath. And for us, that’s dick. It’s what we know. So it’s what we are. Now you may have been fooled by an American traveler who seemed to be different than the rest of us citizen of the red, white, and blue. And he probably even made a point to let you know how embarrassed he was by the actions of his fellow countrymen. Let me set you straight. He’s still a dick. He’s just being a dick about it. He may actually know better. He may even try to not be so dick-like. But when push comes to shove, when the chips are down, when the rubber meets the road and his true self shines through, you’re gonna find a dick. ‘Cuz he’s an American.

Everyone in the world knows who the president of the USA is. No one in America knows who the prime minister of Australia. We don’t care. Not that we know where Australia is anyway. But the point is our guy’s got a bigger dick than yours. No matter which country you’re from. Well, okay, Germany may have us beat – Chancellor Merkel and what she might do to our dicks scares the hell out of us – but while everyone was making a big fuss out of us finally electing a black man as president, we all knew we were not casting our votes along color lines but rather by size. As we always do. All of our presidents have been over 6’ tall. Shorties need not apply. Mitt Romney stood a chance. Even if we were not sure if Mormon dick still qualified as dick. Newt Gingrich didn’t have a hope – we all know what happens to your penis size when you’ve packed on an additional 100 pounds. I mean come on, did you really think Americans were considering voting for Herbert Cain because of his political brilliance? No. We went with the other well endowed guy instead. The one whose wife also had a big dick. And that’s why Hillary will win in 2016 too.

George Bush was the exception to the rule. And if we weren’t such a bunch of dicks we’d have seen that one coming. George The Sequel was mentally a small man who was equally endowed. He spent his presidency trying to prove to his daddy that his was the bigger dick. And he couldn’t even do that without the help of another Dick. He thought they said weapons of massive destruction and reacted as any man with a small dick would. So, sorry he also broke the world. Our bad. But seriously, we don’t really care. Because we’re dicks. We do, however, care that the rate of exchange is still favorable to the US dollar. Because that’s just another way to measure that our dicks are still bigger than yours.

Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave . . .

We just observed the 50th anniversary of the assassination of Kennedy and the end of our version of Camelot. (I’d say ‘celebrated’ rather than ‘observed’ but that would make us sound like dicks.) Yes, you Brits came up with the idea of Camelot first. But you forgot the dick. Lancelot was pussy whipped. And a pussy. Kennedy was not. The Cuban Missile Crisis? That was Kennedy showing Khrushchev whose dick was bigger. And we laughed at his shoe banging antics ‘cuz they were only a size 8. Marilyn Monroe? Come on, I know you’re gay but that was all about dick too. Kennedy exemplified the total involvement with dick that makes this country great. He was a true American. And magic bullet, grassy knoll, gay mafia from New Orleans, Castro and his damn cigar that was certainly not just a cigar, and all the other bullshit conspiracy theories can’t erase the fact that Kennedy’s assassination was about dick. He stuck his where it didn’t belong. And got castrated for it. By a dick.

We deal with social issues the same way we deal with politics, dick first and foremost. The civil rights movement was brought on not because we are racists but because we feared those people who were rumored to have bigger dicks than ours. Okay, so maybe that’s still racist. But what do you expect from a bunch of dicks? It took Lyndon Johnson to force civil rights down the American public’s throat. And that only worked because Lyndon had a dick of prodigious proportions. He even had a nickname for it. Sure, a lot of us have nicknames for our dicks. But Lyndon would introduce his by name when he walked into a room. And you gotta be a pretty big dick to get away with that.

Same sex marriage will, in the near future, become the law of our land. Not because the general public approves of homosexuals. And not because Americans now believe gays should be ensured the same rights as straights. It’s because the majority of Americans finally figured out the whole issue in a nut shell is not about what someone else is doing with their dick but that two dicks are involved. And that can’t be bad. Though if there is any country out there that would like our lesbians, you’re welcome to them. But we’ll keep a few to think about when we are playing with our dicks.

Okay, so sometimes we act like an ass, but that’s just about being a different kind of dick.

Dick is what drives us Dick is what motivates us. We may not know dick about your country, but to be honest with you we don’t know dick about ours either. Other than that Florida kinda looks like a dick. And that you have to be a dick to live there. We keep hearing about China becoming the world’s #1 superpower. We’re not worried. We have dick on our side. And seriously, that’s not a claim those wee folk in China can make.

Our national obsession with guns confuses you too. Really? Can you be that dense? How can you not understand that while we attempt to legislate what our women can and can not do with their vaginas, the very idea that we’d pass laws that would in anyway limit our right to play with our guns makes our balls turn turtle and flee to safety? To us vagina is a lot like Canada. We know it’s there, we’re cool with it being there, we’re just not sure what purpose it serves. Other than to be dominated by our very existence. You think it is about gun control. We know it’s about penis envy.

So enough with the American bashing. It’s time the rest of you begin to understand that we are not bad people. We’re jut a bit preoccupied with what really matters. We don’t really mind that y’all enjoy beating on us so much, because that’s what dick is for. But just remember that the next time you need a hand, it’s American dick that you’ll turn to. Because you know, deep down inside, the one country in the world who always has its dick out and ready to play is America. Even if most of the time we just end up stepping on it.

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